The Last Great Plight Of Humanity

There is a great evil in our times. Innocent people who just want to browse the internet in peace are made to suffer greatly on a daily basis, and we must bring a stop to it before it’s too late.

Every year, billions of people suffer from a growing epidemic of being slightly uncomfortable, cringing, or sometimes–in the more serious cases–suffering from all out being offended by something. It spreads on social media, but is also a danger down the local bar. Even between friends! Here are a few real life testimonies from sufferers of being offended.

“Hardly a day goes by when I am not subjected to brutal feelings of being offended. Sometimes it’s mild, and passes in a moment. Other times, however, it is literally like being a bit upset for a while and feeling angry. Sometimes my feelings are hurt to such an extent I have to step away from my PC for a while to take my mind off it. Every day I sit down and hope beyond hope that I can make it to nightfall without being offended by something, but I doubt we’ll see such a utopia in my lifetime. I’m just so worried that one day I will get so deeply offended my skull will be spontaneously crushed in on itself by the sheer injustice of it all.”

“I remember this one time I went on the internet, and someone from another country used a word that people in this country find offensive, Further, this monster ‘claimed’ the word to be completely innocent in their own country. It made me cringe. I don’t need to tell anyone how unpleasant and traumatic an experience a cringe can be. Since that incident I’ve found great difficulty in functioning in life. Culture and context do not matter. When will people FINALLY understand that if I’m offended, then that means it is NOT OK TO SAY?”

“This one time I was talking to a Brit in a bar, and he said he was going out to smoke a fag. I immediately called the police to warn them a homophobia motivated murder was about to take place. It turned out he was just outside having a cigarette. Those disgusting Brits need to learn that even in private conversation, they need to adhere to the agreed international standard in language and communication. AKA American.”

“I get offended by dancing. It’s crazy I know! I have no idea why, but whenever I see someone dancing I fill with intense rage and melancholy that lasts for weeks. I don’t know what to do. As far as I’m aware I’m alone in this, and after a lot of research on the internet it appears I need to find at least another 100 or so people who are also offended by dancing before it is morally acceptable to move or preach to ban it globally. If you are offended by dancing, please get in touch. Life is pretty much unbearable in the night clubs I frequent these days.”

Have a heart. Have a soul. Remember that comedy or humour should never tread in any area that could possibly be construed as offensive by any person on the internet. Since there are billions of people on the internet, you should play safe and say nothing. How would you feel if you knew your comments offended someone on another continent, possibly resulting in them feeling a bit upset for a while? We’re still awaiting our charity registration number, but soon we can all get together to fight people who aren’t us saying things on the internet that we don’t like–before it’s too late!!!!!!!

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